Critical reflection

Critical reflection - Unit 3

Unit three

Key words: Healing, trauma, repair, grief, intimacy

In unit 3, I experience crucial events of research project in the course. They are exhibition group crit, summer degree show, everyday drawing, tutorials and related reading and artists. With the crits, I learnt how to pick a suitable way to show the prints. It should be a pleasant supportive install for the core idea in the work. I appreciate my work were shown in a good condition and happy with it. When it comes to tutorials, I had inspired by Fungai Marima and Eleanor Havsteen's talk that reminded me to organise stitch of my prints to make it more thoughtful and pick a title of works that is from intimacy relationship. In the making process, I still search some books and artist to push my idea for healing from drawing and printing.

Methods of stitch and work title (sign up tutorial with Fungai Marima and Eleanor Havsteen)

Sewing is a significant part of my works as mending the past trauma in the project and I also mend glassine paper I printed if there is an accident of broken during the making process. It is an idea that I am healed by making and sewing, I do visible mending on the prints and mend my material at the same time.

At the first, I did short line stitch on the print to show similar texture with the beard. After some experiments, I started to use knots on it on both side of prints. While some of them on the front and some of them in the back, viewers could see apophysis by the side. This reminded me core idea in the project, which is repairing past by repeating same physical sewing movement. By contract, I got a fresh inspiration which talked about knots seems like means end but my memory is currently with me and will keep going in the future from tutorial with Fungai. I tried making thread flow in the stitching to see different and felt meaning of it. This experiment was fun and reminded me pick small part of area of prints as a visible focus point to catch viewers' eye.

On the other hand, I had be asked to think about the intimate I prefer to show in the work and if I could do it with work title in the tutorial with Eleanor Havsteen. She gave me a good example about how she titled of her work to think of mine, which she tend not let viewers know the meaning so choose a random spelling letter as a word. After the talk, I was considering what is the most closet but missing for me from my dad. It is my nick name he gave me but I can not hear from him anymore.

'ㄒㄧㄠˇ ㄐㄧㄝˊ‘ is from last word of my first name and add a little in the front which dad used to called me. In my family, not everyone call me as that since they always use the first name. It became an unique way to connect between dad and me. I named degree show serious by it to present passing away of him and remember this memory. The word seems like an imprint for unpacking memory.

Group tutorial for installing work in the degree show:

During a group tutorial for installing work for degree show, my prints were hung from ceiling and tried to figure out the best way to show in the MA exhibition. The process made me think simply to focus on what is close to initial idea and how I tend to show viewers and how much information I give from them. I enjoyed that the idea I could make an aluminium wire painted in white and hang prints with sewing thread. It was a simple but powerful installation for my works as materials and colour were similar in the prints such as tread, warn white paint and sewing instead paper clip.

As core idea is related to intimacy and repairing grief, I concerned if I could show the prints in a clean, white and quiet space. For this issue, I hung the works in group tutorial to feel which is right environment. From the discussing process, I found it was important and helpful to have knowledge about tools and materials of installation. I was happy to try from paper clip to sewing for hanging the prints from white wire.

Display works of exhibition tutorial

Installation for degree show: measure aluminium length and drilling on the wall

Different suspension angles makes shadows from wires, threads and glassine paper

Sewing corners on the prints to hang

'The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma' Bessel Van Der Kolk (2015)

' Nobody can "treat" a war, or abuse, rape, molestation, or any other horrendous event, for that matter; what has happened cannot be undone. But what can be dealt with are the imprints of the trauma on body, mind, and soul: the crushing sensations in your chest that you may label as anxiety or depression; the fear of losing control; always being on alert for danger or rejection; the self-loathing; the nightmares and flashbacks; ......being unable to fully open your heart to another human being.

Trauma robs you of the feeling that you are I charge of yourself, of what I will call self-leadership in the chapters to come. The challenge of recovery is to reestablish ownership of your body and your mind - of yourself. This means feeling free to know what you know and to feel what you feel without becoming overwhelmed, enraged, ashamed, or collapsed.' (The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma', 2015, p. 243)

I agree that we can not treat a war, abuse, rap...or any other horrendous just like I can not stop the grief or losing and missing before it happened. The thing I could do is figure out a way to help myself when it comes with an immense sorrow unexpectedly. For instance, the 'imprints' could be a long term trauma to deal with and could be physical or mental. I used to treat with a immerse and repeat process for clamming down from anxiety and depression. Fortunately, I am learning printmaking and happy to focus on physical and traditional making methods such as grinding stone, crayon drawing, etched and printing in a slow journey. As the concentration in the creating and making, I deal with sensation by a positive thought that push myself action right and think further not immersed in the low energy and mood.

What the key point makes me feel be healed in the creative process might be feeling totally free to control my work and express deep in mind and weakness with no fear and no judgement from external environment. By art work, I speak for thoughts, soul and desire in safe way. It starts from mental chaos to organizational planning and creation. I enjoy moment that knowing what to do and make it happen step by step. This might be the reason that I feel positive by making, which is really strong, brave and supportive rather than running away or avoiding from past experience.

' Study after study shows that having a good support network constitutes the single most powerful protection against becoming traumatized. Safety and terror are incompatible. When we are terrified, nothing calms us down like the reassuring voice or the firm embrace of someone we trust. Frightened adults respond to the same comforts as terrified children: gentle holding and rocking and the assurance that somebody bigger and stronger is taking care of things, so you can safely go to sleep. in order to recover, mind, body and brain need to be convinced that it is safe to let go. That happens only when you feel safe at a visceral level and allow yourself to connect that sense of safety with memories of past helplessness.' (The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma', 2015, p. 251)

The paragraph mentions a circumstances that match my thought during creative process, which is ' Safety and terror are incompatible..., nothing calms us down like the reassuring voice or the firm embrace of someone we trust.' This is why I feel more and more comfortable when I draw and print the beard and scar more with different editions. I am happy in the slow and repeated similar process that can learn how to deal with terror as I know I will go through it in some time. Apart from this, I incorporate desire and imagination for intimate relationships for upcoming future in mind and brain to convince the trauma or imprint is safe for me. I prefer to learn form the past, to let myself progress and stronger.

'Dream, Phantasy and Art' Hanna Segal (1991)

‘ In his inner perception of the deepest feeling of the depressive position that his internal world is shattered which leads to the necessity for the artist to recreate something that is felt to be a whole new world. This is what a every major artist does - create a world. When we read an impressive novel, or look at a painting, or listen to music, we are drawn into a complete new world. And it is a world of its own.’ ('Dream, Phantasy and Art‘, 1991, p. 86)

Hanna Segal mentioned in the Dream, Phantasy and Art, recreating a new world is a key situation for artist that reminds me every time I start an idea of past trauma, I always rethink it and try to figure out a suitable image for it when making work. Then I follow the image in mind to draw on soft paper as everyday drawing then print int with slow process which helps me concentrate on facing losing and missing and figuring out a mind set for separation.

There are three parts for creative process in the project to make an image for sensations. The first one is drawing. My everyday drawing is from memory or when I see a photo that show someone's trust and safe care in relationship. The drawing combine with feeling and hope to let go the past. I experience diverse beard and facial hair pattern for it. Secondly, printing it with lithography starts from crayon drawing, etching with acid and gum Arabic to printing. This stage is the most physical but the most enjoyable as lots of things to learn. At last, visible mending on the print is going to make sure three parts are matched and push the idea more richer. These are the recreating and building journey I have experienced.

'Childhood trauma and the non- alpha male. Gender role conflict, toxic shame and complex trauma: Finding hope, clarity, healing and change.'Douglas W. Carpenter, Psy. D (2018)

What is the intimate relationship that I expect in the future relate to losing and missing my dad? What is the power or support I get from intimacy? I question these when I draw and print. When I am considering the questions, I am curious about the role of the father for daughters.

' A girl's relationship with her father is the first relationship she will ever have with a man. Often, our first experiences with a given behavior, person, or situation creates a template and ingrained perception we will use when we encounter the same or similar behaviors, persons, or situations in our future.' ('Childhood trauma and the non- alpha male. Gender role conflict, toxic shame and complex trauma: Finding hope, clarity, healing and change.', 2018, P.40)

My father got a forthright and honesty personality. When he saw me sad, he direct brought me the food I like and encourage in humor but gentle words. He never asked reason why I failed in the exam because he knew and trust I was doing the best. He was focused on how I progress from the experiences that I can learn and deal with challenge with no fear. I can feel he supported me with no reasons and unreserved love.

The most he cared was my state of health and happy or not.

Summer break drawing

During summer break, I did some drawing about small suite of beard, facial hair and scar. By the part of facial hair drawing, I put each of them in the location of someone's head in the work. Lots of them are from the side face angle or backside. These asked myself to think how come almost of drawing came from the angles rather than the front. I found that it is hard for me to say good bye or direct deal with separation. I asked myself to image a situation which I said good bye to someone but still turn around to get one more sight of the back since it is reluctant sadly. With the intimate relationship, it might tend to be close, desire to be loved, looking for something reliable or sense of belong.

Colour stone lithograph and paper exploring

Currently I am testing paper texture work with colour litho ink as some colour ink are more transparent, some are semi transparent and some are opaque. I am interested in researching the sticky and transparent of ink if it could be printed on diverse Japanese paper, glassine paper, handmade recycle paper or other kind of thin paper. But I am still in the exploring and experiment stage.

Reference list

Carpenter, D. (2018) Childhood trauma and the non- alpha male: Gender role conflict, toxic and complex trauma: finding hope, clarity, healing and change. Ocala, Florida: Atlantic Publishing Group.

Ade, C. and Turnbull, S. (2023) Lithography. Ramsburry, Marlborough Wiltshire: The Crowood Press Ltd

Segal, H. (1991) Dream, Phantasy and Art. New York: Brunner- Routledge

Der Kolk, B. (2014) The body keeps the score: Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma. Great Britain: Allen Lane.

Betterton, R. (1996) Intimate distance: women, artists and the body. London: Routledge.

Malchiodi, C. (2020) Trauma and expressive arts therapy: Brain, body and imagination in the healing process. New York: The Guilford Press.

Elbrecht, C. (2018) Healing trauma with guided drawing: a sensorimotor art therapy approach to bilateral body mapping. United States of of America: North Atlantic Books.